This sucks, this sucks, this sucks
One more time, “THIS SUCKS”
Stopping for a second.
Ooooh, there’s definitely something missing right in the middle of me.
“I’m so tired,” you quickly think to yourself.
No, I’m not. I’m just struggling to figure out what happened and I can’t. So by default, I’m tired.
Three disappointments hit me square in the head today.
“Are you kidding me,” you’re thinking.
The world says, “No, of course we’re not kidding you. Welcome to life. Are you having a nice day?”
Yes, the world can be quite sarcastic at times.
The world had simply had enough, it was just time for all these hopes and dreams to come crashing down.
Bam.
Actually, it’s bam, bam, bam.
Oh, I get it. Bad things come in three’s. What fool came up with that.
Maybe they weren’t such a fool after all because it’s here right now.
Dear World; “No, I not having a nice day. But, please world, you try to have a nice day, ok.”
Maybe this is better, three hits; bam, bam, bam . . . you’re out!
I’m not even mad. More stunned.
Hell, I don’t know what I am.
I’m just feeling like my shadow, just a dark spot on the road.
I’m here, but I’m not here.
It’s happening, but it isn’t.
The world again, “Yes, fool it is happening big as day, just for you; today.”
Ok, the ‘I’m feeling sorry for myself’ begins, “Seems like I worked so hard on this stuff.”
Screw seems like, I busted my ass on this stuff.
Oooh, we’re getting serious now. Look out.
Its 7:00 pm EST.
I’m laying down in bed. In the dark. Like my shadow, nothing’s really there.
Just my loss.
Cool, this is perfect. I can focus all my attention to this mess. No distractions.
Some, they choose to find a distraction thinking it will all just go away somehow.
But problems, disappointment, bad shit; they’re very patient. They will always be there waiting with open arms when you return.
Maybe I just like being negative, depressed?
No, I don’t, no one likes depressed.
But, here I am in the dark. Quietly screaming.
Listening to a 12 minute loop of the Interstellar movie sound track by Hanz Zimmer video on Youtube.com.
My brain’s jumping from thing to thing, in order of how these bad things happened today; one, two, and then three. In perfect order as they transpired during this stupid, stupid day. At least I’m staying orderly, at least for now. There is order in my frantic.
No, the day wasn’t stupid, I’m stupid. I knew this wasn’t going to work from ‘go’.
I was hoping it would work out, but I had my doubts.
One of the things, we will call it #1.
I really didn’t want it to work anyway.
Not even sure why I went down that path in the first place.
Actually, I do. We always do, don’t we.
At this moment in my timeline it’s a little hard to say it’s for the best. But it is.
Damn, I can hardly focus on bad thing #1. Bad things #2 and #3 that happened today keep pushing bad thing #1 to the side seeking attention. They are sort of being bullies.
You’re trying to keep some semblance of order in all this horror.
Focusing on bad thing #1. Feeling empty, but you know it’s better this way. Really.
I really didn’t want to continue this relationship.
It looked like the perfect gift, the wrapping was perfect as if the department store wrapped it. All the patterns in the wrapping paper lined up just right.
Sort of like in life, at the part where you say, “hello.”
The inside the box, it didn’t match the outside of the box.
Just not for me anyway. But, you spend all this time making up stiff about all these cool things you would do together, but it’s all just in your head. None of its really real. For you its real, but the other person has absolutely no idea what the hell you are thinking about. Your make-believe stories are way ahead of reality.
Maybe it wasn’t a lie. Maybe it was there all the time.
You saw the inside of the box, you sure did. But you keep looking back at the perfect wrapping. You turned it into the lie.
Okay, okay, okay. I’m stitching over to Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ live performance video on the David Letterman show posted on Youtube.com.
No, no, no. I’m cool right now. Don’t need this song.
I’m going with ‘Yellow’.
Ten seconds in, no this isn’t working.
No, I’m not okay.
Well part of me is okay, but there are these two other things that a waiting in line, impatiently for my attention here is the dark in my room.
The notifications are piling up on my phone. Little double-digit numbers now at the top right of the app logos.
After you post your latest selfie on IG you cheer the climbing digits.
Not now, however. Your busy being depressed here in your dark room hiding out, all alone in this big world. Yep, yep you are.
It’s just the world’s out there also poking me for my attention.
Some silly nonsense they want to talk about with me.
I’ve only been turned off for 15 minutes, wow!
Hey you guys, “I really don’t want to talk to right now.”
I’m safe here in my room, my hideout.
All those notifications out there on you’re apps, in the chats, they say they have your back.
No, they don’t.
They’re just trying to stay up on your latest adventures so they can somehow influence the outcome to their liking. Hello.
And, make no mistake, the world adores a bad outcome. It’s called 24/7 news on CNN and FOX.
I’m stitching back to that 12 minute Interstellar loop again. It is nicely depressing and matching my acute mood swings here in the dark.
At least I have control over something in here, my music.
Okay, okay #2 you’re up. Take your best shot.
It was an educational program I applied to over four months ago. If, accepted it would have been life changing. Well, maybe not life changing, but it would have helped shorten the timeline to success.
Hold-up. Hold-up a hot minute. I forgot about that thing. That was a really cool thing that happened to me yesterday. Wow, I should have written that down somehow so I could receive a notification today while I am barely floating here in this darkness. Here in my hideout, my room.
I really knocked the hell out of that, yes I did. Yep,
But, right now that little success seems a far away from me. I feel far away from it. It’s gone opaque on me just that quickly.
But that was me, all me. Yes, yes, yes!!! I was definitely the shit on that deal. Oh, yeah!!!
Wow, that thought didn’t last long, a split second and bad thing #2 is back. Bursting into my room, my hideout.
I have been working on this other thing for over 4 months. I guess inside I knew it was going to turn to out exactly how it did. It was just too early to apply. But there is always a sliver of hope.
Stupid, stupid me.
I can’t believe how silly I am sometimes always thinking that by some miraculous twist of fate, a miracle going to happen.
There was never a chance. No sliver of hope. Nope. It was stupid to apply. It was dead at ‘go’.
Actually, it wasn’t stupid at all. It’s just here, right now it seems like it was stupid.
Reality, it is very difficult to be accepted in the first round, maybe one in a 1000. The odds are better on subsequent submission for acceptance. But, you can’t have a second submission until after you have had a first.
What would it be like; “Stopping Stupid?”
To stop beating ourselves up.
Can we stop stupid?
Wow, I’m almost getting in a good mood for a second.
Hell, bad thing #3 is waiting at the back of the line for my attention.
Guess what?
It can just wait for another day.
I’m starting to figure out a couple of things I can try to do differently this time to get a different result.
Oh, look at me go.
Yep, yep.
What if there was a place where you’re not alone with all your stupid stuff?
A place where as you enter a light beam is sent out worldwide in real-time to everyone out there, somewhere out there, tapping the beam of light as it hits their phone screen letting you know you are never really alone. A new friend maybe.
Sort of tired of talking with all your normal friends right now. This is not a normal day for you. It’s an outlier day. A stupid day. Just wanting to stop stupid.
Sending out a t2m message and finding a new friend in seconds. Wow, aren’t sick and tired of all your mess, and isn’t just waiting to pounce with an ‘I told you so’.
A forum to post your thoughts, without names or comments. Just a sticker of reaction to your story. What it’s called; Stories n’ Chocolates. A little sweet to go with all your bitter.
I wonder what that would be like, maybe just maybe there is a place like that right on your phone.
Brace up, of course there isn’t.
Ooops, just kidding.
helping teens everywhere with key social issues
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